It could feel that good. I never thought that I would get to the point where I would be able to relax so easily. I always wanted to have a vacation fling and this past october I did. I was happy with how it all went down and was more than fully prepared to let it end where is started, but he said it’d reach out and he did.Texts here and there,phone calls here and there. I let him dictate the pace and he has more to loose than I do. Last week i get a message that he wants to see me and i’m excited, but trying to hold it down as to not get disappoined. I decided to step the game up with a little momento of our first meeting, he was delighted. He was the perfect lover. yes, he was. I can’t put my finger on it, but there was something in the way he kissed me, the way he touched me, the way he held me, ohhhhh the way he kissed me that just made me feel like i was on cloud nine. I’m grateful for the distance between us which will allow me to keep my feelings in check.  A once a month visit of that sort would be great, but if that never occurs again, folks, i have wonderful memories to last a long long time and keep a big smile on my face.

A little sunshine in my very grey world as of late.

I am not usually an angry person, but for some reason there are some issues that seem to be holding on real tight and won’t let go. Just the other night I was going over one of the situations and wishing that I would have said more than I did. That makes me mad. I need to learn to let go. I have no control over how others are, or how they react to various issues, but at the same time, shit does hurt and it hurts real bad and I am trying to get go and let God, but boy oh boy its much harder than I thought.

That I will be without my mini me for xmas. The other half of her parentage is going through some family issues and unlike in past years, she will not be with him and his other off spring for the xmas break. The kids are going to Tenesse and they want her to go, while I have no problem with her spending as much time as possible with the kids, they leave on the 24th and get back the 27th. Which means that for the first time in her life, i’ll be without her for xmas. I have not told her how I feel about it, because i don’t want her to feel bad. But I do feel very sad about the thought of being alone during this very depressing time of year for single people. I guess I’ll get some wine, cook, play my mariah carey CD and try not to cry….

the person that you’re supposed to be excited to see is the one that truly floats your goat and nearly makes you physically ill. We should be tied by a bound like no other, but over the course of the last…hmmm , lets say 5 years, the sound of her voice, her being close makes me ill. Annoys me. I feel as though I can never be my true me around this person. Alaways have to watch my grammar, tenses, particles of speech, etc. Come on, can a sister breathe? Can i be mewithout the constant critiscsm? This is going to be a long visit, one that I am not looking forward to at all. Just how many excuses can I come up with in order to maintain my sanity and emotional well being? I have to limit my visits with the person with who i’m supposed to have this bound with. I just need to do me and continue this emotional journey that I am on.

At this point in my life, i need to do me and just me and things that meet me happy.

So, i buy a new TV, you know, plan on spending nuff hours in the crib, might as well make my home comfy for the winter months ahead. I had an old big azz 26in TV, so my daughter sees the new one and asks for the old one to go into her room. Does she see what I see? I mean really? there is no space in that room for such a big azs TV, shite she barely has space for the wee one that’s in there now. Does she realize that not all kids have their own tv/cable box/dvd-vcr player? If you want to watch somthing on the big screen, take your azz to the livingroom.

Next, every since she turned 16 she feels entitled to everything. I mean yes, she’s been good at home and her grades have improved significantly, but baby girl, you must creep before you can crawl and crawl before you can walk and walk before you can run. The week before her 16the bday i took her to LI to get a personalized CD done to hand out to her friends, the weekend of her bday I did lots of stuff for her, the weekend after her bday she went to a party and this weekend she wants to go to another party…i mean why does she feel as though she must do everything all at once? first of all this party is for some old lady that’s retiring, she told her son he can invite some of his friends…so? what does that have to do with the price of rice? she better go chill in a corner somewhere and leave me alone. If she things that she’s going to have a tude with me, she can keep it up and see just how cold it will be in here on christmas morning.

Just when i though ish between the two of us was going good here comes the tude again…darn kids!

until next time…

I am a kind person. I remember all of my friends bdays and that of their kids. I call them all at midnight, just so that I can be the first to wish them a happy birthday. I mail their cards out so that it can get there on the exact date of their birthday. I send cards to my friends to cheer them up. While I must admit that i text and email way too much, i try to call my friends at least once a month to check up on them. If something good happens in their lives, i am super excited and supportive of them.

I complain…alot…ok? and? so what? who doesn’t? Maybe more times than not I see the glass as half empty more so than half full. When i’m down I don’t want to hear any of that cheerleading crap “it will get better” “this was just not for you” blah blah blah…all of that is fine and dandy, but it will not help the current situation at hand. Sometimes I just need to whine/vent and don’t need feedback. Maybe I amtoo vocal with when I’m going through bad times and for this I have been called negative. It’s all good, this time alone has given me a lot to think about. I’ll just blog, or write down my feelings so that I don’t have to sound negative to folks.

At times, i hold onto my anger too much. When I should let things go, I can’t. Currently I am holding onto anger against 3 ppl. Really just 2, but 3 in the greater picture. I know that I just need to let go, because in the end i dont have control and its only just eating me up, but as much as I pray, the anger is just not going away. I’ll continue to pray on that issue.

I am proud of how far I’ve come. Maybe not where I am currently, but just how far i’ve come. Being a single a mother is NOT easy, but with a minimal of support, I think that i’ve done a damn good job. My child is a junior in high school, currently doing well in school, is not pregnant nor on drugs, nor has she ever been arrested or stayed out late. For the most part she is respectful and when i think back, she’s never really done anything outside of the norm for a teenager. I know that some think that I am a strict parent, well guess what, doing this ish on my own aint easy and in order to get my child to where she is right now, i had to keep her bootstraps tight. At 16 she is making me very proud and I am finally learning to let go and let God.

I’d like to have a better relationship with my family, but i’m just not sure how that will happen unless I learn to just let ish go and with doing that, i am not being true to me and will continue to allow certain members to ish on me. I just can not do that any longer.

I thank God on a daily basis for those that are close to me that allow me to be me without judgments. I know that I might not have always been the friend that I know that I can be to them, but going through our various situations have made us stronger and have allowed me to appreciate having their support in my life that much more.

I thank God for my mother, and ask  that God watch over my father wherever he might be.

Until I can quiet figure out where I fit in in this world, where my true passion is, I will continue to surround myself by those who understand this new journey that I am on and continue to support me, give me my space, yet check in on me from time to time to make sure that i haven’t made my way to the edge of the brooklyn bridge.

until next time…

So this is week two of my spiritual awakening…hmmm not really sure if that’s what it is. Maybe more of a me finding me process. Me being more comfortable being me process. There is one person that I truly miss talking to on a daily basis, but we’ve managed to keep some sort of contact and that’s really all that I can handle right now. Nothing to do with anyone, this right here, is all about me and mini me. But really more about me. It funny how when you stop talking you realize how much shit you really used to talk…lmao. Since i’m not really talking to anyone these days, the thoughts have to stay in my head and I guess for the most part, its better that way.

This old goat at my job, pissed me off over a week ago and i’m trying to find that place in my heart to just move on, but what she did was pretty much to throw me under the bus and I just can not go back there, at least not right now. Since at this moment the only thing that would help me is to cuss her stink and dutty and i’m trying to not to that on the man’s job, imma keep not talking to her until the feeling to cuss passes me by. I just hope that God helps me with this process…maybe after thanksgiving might be a good time to ease back…we shall see.

I have to admit that going thru this process has been good for me, if you know me, if you read my blog, well more so if you know me, you know that i should have done this a long time ago. People around me, friends family have felt for years that they could just talk to me any old which way as though I don’t have feelings. To that I say, i accept my part in that behavior, because if I would have nipped shit in the bud years ago. Therefore, until i can figure out the proper way to deal with certain ppl in certain situations, i just need to continue to do me. Which honestly has not been much of anything. Work, home, gym, hanging with mini me. But i guess to not have additional outsiders yapping in my ears has truly helped. I no longer feel as anxious, i still have sleep issues, but that’s just how that part of my life will be. I just need to continue working on figuring out what makes me happy and stick to that, because obvisouly everyone else around me does it and i get the shit end of the stick.

well…until next time

Oh yeah, I have been feeling for steaks on a daily basis for the last month, the feeling wont go away. Someone told me once about omaha steaks and i just ordered some, man oh man i can’t wait for them to come. Hopefully they come before thanksgiving so that I can eat one on turkey day as I am once again thankful to have the day off and to be just chilling at home….all alone in my PJ’s

I’ve been on this…all about me and mini me journey for about a week now and I have to say that it is refreshing. I’ve heard that I can be negative from some, so by keeping to myself and dealing with my own issues and demons I don’t have to worry about how my negativity will affect others. I’ve put more focus in the relationship with mini me and I have to admit that we are on a good path, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but due to two stressful weekends that were all about her, I told her that this momma needed a break and she’s off spending quality time with her great grandmother.

I’ve decided to regrow my hair, after almost a year of hair issues, going to various hair stylist, I think that one of the process in this new rebirth, is to get my hair back to a more manageable length and for me that means long. I figure that if I start this process now, that by summer I should have completed that small step.

I continue my search for employment as that is indeed the greatest source of my stress and this past week has opened up my eyes even more so the level of fuckery some will go to – to acheive what? I still can figure that part out, but in order to be the bigger person, I’m just going to breathe deeply and mind my own damn business. If they don’t like it, oh well, I’m at work to work, not be your BFF.

Marcus might be coming to town next weekend and i’m hoping that he does, he has been the true rock of my life for years now and without him in my life I don’t know how I would get out of bed some days. 

It funny how when you go through things how folks take it personally. I have to laugh because I myself have bene guilty of that.  So i guess I get it, but it’s all good, its just another step of this process that I am allowing myself to go through. I’ve given too many ppl the benefit of the doubt, which has at times allowed them to run all over me as though i don’t have feelings. So until I can figure out how to give it back to them just as much as they give to me, I’ll stay under this rock.

One of the biggest things that’s i’m dealing with, is learning how to let go and let God. That is hard for me, because i’ve been hurt more times than a human should be hurt in the wee little time that i’ve been on this earth. By family, friends and men. I am by no means innocent. I can accept blame for my wrong doing, what I refuse, is to have old shit held against me for years and years. That is something that I totally refuse to accept. So…I’ll continue to live under my rock and heal.

We’ll see who is left when i re-emerge…

So in the middle of the madness that is now my life and my mini hiatus from most people/things. I have decided to regrow my hair. On 12/31/08 i cut it all off, from a nice healthy shoulder length to what at first could be described as  a “lamb chop baby cousin” kind of a do, to various different cuts with many bad re-cuts in between. I refuse to shed another tear over my hair, so the plan is to let it grow from now (11/10/09) until the end of the year and on 1/1/10, i’ll weave it until it grows back to a comfortable length. In the grand scheme of things, this might seems small and pointless, but when you feel like everything is out of control and you have no control over so many things, this is one thing, in the immediate future that I can control. When I find the next thing, i’ll be sure to post.

They say that your family is the one that will fuck you the hardest and hurt you the most, boy they were NOT lying. Don’t get me wrong, i’m no innocent bystander, a few years back I did my sister dirty. There were reasons behind that, but nonetheless I did do her dirty. But this shit kids, involves my child and that’s something that I will NEVER forgive. You can continue to shit on me everyday all day, but involve my child and my claws come out and i CAN NOT nor WILL not forgive. That’s just that!

This has truly been the worst year of my life, i’ve been on such an emotional roller coaster that it just truly makes no sense that i’m still here. I’ve had a few suicidal thoughts, and was very close one night, but i guess the man above realized that it just was not my time to go. So what i’ve decided to do it take me time. Me time away from folks. I was told by someone that I am very negative and that hurt my feelings and now I have no idea how i’m supposed to be around that person anymore, therefore that person has been put on hold. The rest have been put on hold because I need to re-learn me. I need to figure out what my passion is (other than for shopping that is). What truly makes me happy. Where I’d like to be in a few years (short term goals only at this point). Who will be allowed in my inner circle. I’ve always been one to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and it ALWAYS comes back to bite me in the ass with a vengence. I’ve always held my tougue when others around me have not felt the need to do so on my behalf. Well not anymore. I’ve never been a bitch nor do I ever want to become one. But I need to become a stronger person and not have folks continue to think that they can just say any old thing to me.

This is the beginning of the long road that will end at the new me. I am looking forward to meeting that person, because i’ve known this one for way too long and deep down she has not been happy for a long time.

I’d like to say that what folks think of me does not matter, but truly it does, because just as i’m sure that Chris Brown beating had to hurt, so do words. It hurts even more so when you know that the words are not true, but are based on someone else’s opinion of you that is either old or just baseless. I have never been one to be able to let things go easily. It fucks with my sleep, it makes me unhappy, teary eyed and doubtful of myself. I have come a very long way, but when it comes to certain people, i feel as though i’m still that young girl that lived at my grandmother’s house.

I’ve raised my child on my own. Lived on my own since ‘94. Did 6 long years of school of which 4 of those i did while working a full time job. Yet, in the eyes of some i’m “miserable”…on one hand I should be able to just say “fuck all of you bitches” and move on with my life. But for some reason, its just not that easy. FUCK FUCK FUCK and FUCK.

I went back to the Dr tonight in hopes of being able to release some of this pain that’s buried within me hoping that I can rise above it and be an even stronger person.

Stay tuned as this will be my outlet until I become a better, bigger and stronger me!