So in the middle of the madness that is now my life and my mini hiatus from most people/things. I have decided to regrow my hair. On 12/31/08 i cut it all off, from a nice healthy shoulder length to what at first could be described as a “lamb chop baby cousin” kind of a do, to various different cuts with many bad re-cuts in between. I refuse to shed another tear over my hair, so the plan is to let it grow from now (11/10/09) until the end of the year and on 1/1/10, i’ll weave it until it grows back to a comfortable length. In the grand scheme of things, this might seems small and pointless, but when you feel like everything is out of control and you have no control over so many things, this is one thing, in the immediate future that I can control. When I find the next thing, i’ll be sure to post.
Here we go again – many ramblings…
They say that your family is the one that will fuck you the hardest and hurt you the most, boy they were NOT lying. Don’t get me wrong, i’m no innocent bystander, a few years back I did my sister dirty. There were reasons behind that, but nonetheless I did do her dirty. But this shit kids, involves my child and that’s something that I will NEVER forgive. You can continue to shit on me everyday all day, but involve my child and my claws come out and i CAN NOT nor WILL not forgive. That’s just that!
This has truly been the worst year of my life, i’ve been on such an emotional roller coaster that it just truly makes no sense that i’m still here. I’ve had a few suicidal thoughts, and was very close one night, but i guess the man above realized that it just was not my time to go. So what i’ve decided to do it take me time. Me time away from folks. I was told by someone that I am very negative and that hurt my feelings and now I have no idea how i’m supposed to be around that person anymore, therefore that person has been put on hold. The rest have been put on hold because I need to re-learn me. I need to figure out what my passion is (other than for shopping that is). What truly makes me happy. Where I’d like to be in a few years (short term goals only at this point). Who will be allowed in my inner circle. I’ve always been one to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and it ALWAYS comes back to bite me in the ass with a vengence. I’ve always held my tougue when others around me have not felt the need to do so on my behalf. Well not anymore. I’ve never been a bitch nor do I ever want to become one. But I need to become a stronger person and not have folks continue to think that they can just say any old thing to me.
This is the beginning of the long road that will end at the new me. I am looking forward to meeting that person, because i’ve known this one for way too long and deep down she has not been happy for a long time.
I’d like to say that what folks think of me does not matter, but truly it does, because just as i’m sure that Chris Brown beating had to hurt, so do words. It hurts even more so when you know that the words are not true, but are based on someone else’s opinion of you that is either old or just baseless. I have never been one to be able to let things go easily. It fucks with my sleep, it makes me unhappy, teary eyed and doubtful of myself. I have come a very long way, but when it comes to certain people, i feel as though i’m still that young girl that lived at my grandmother’s house.
I’ve raised my child on my own. Lived on my own since ‘94. Did 6 long years of school of which 4 of those i did while working a full time job. Yet, in the eyes of some i’m “miserable”…on one hand I should be able to just say “fuck all of you bitches” and move on with my life. But for some reason, its just not that easy. FUCK FUCK FUCK and FUCK.
I went back to the Dr tonight in hopes of being able to release some of this pain that’s buried within me hoping that I can rise above it and be an even stronger person.
Stay tuned as this will be my outlet until I become a better, bigger and stronger me!
It’s been a LONG time
I was not sure that i’d ever return to this blog. So much has been going on I don’t even know where to start. I had very good intentions for 2009, but it quickly became apparent that this might very well be my worst year yet. Things just came crashing down on me and all very soon in the year and very hard. I had no idea how to really deal with it all. I was trying to be everything to everybody and not be who I needed to be to myself. The new job situation did not turn out to be what I wanted to it be and this is the biggest source of my daily stress. While i continue to look for a better opportunity, this job market is not making it an easy task. Yet i continue to look and pray that I am released from my current situation sooner than later. I tried and tried my best with the offspring, but in the end, she failed herself and I had to make a hard decision, i’m not very at ease with the decision that I made, but i pray daily that she’ll realize just how serious this all is and get herself together. I regained a friendship that I had missed for way too long, I realised I had not been the great friend to her as she had been to me, but I feel blessed to have her back in my life and I am going to make this one last. I also had to distance myself from some other friendships that I felt were bringing me down, taking to much from me while not giving anything back. When i say give back, I just mean in emotional support. I know that at times I go above and beyond and don’t expect that in return, but…well I just leave that alone. Its just too much to get into and while I know that I need to release in order to begin to heal. I just can’t today. I’ve been very depressed this year. At times i’ve been able to mask it, other times not so much. I have not consistently been taking the meds to get the full benefits, i guess maybe a part of me is still dealing with accepting what I am currently going through emotionally. I know that if i take them as prescribed, i’ll better be able to deal until changes are made. Sleep is a constant struggle for me, there are nights where I literally do not sleep a wink and still have to remove myself from my bed and go to work and function that day. There are nights where sleep comes and goes and when i finally do fall alseep, the alarm goes off and I have to start another day. The last few months, i’ve been learning to deal with demons from relationships past and am trying to just let the chips fall where they may and not to stress things so much. So very hard to do, but thanks to a very good girlfriend, i’ve been getting a bit better at it day by day. I miss my father, i miss him badly, the weird thing is, I didn’t grow up with him, he made “guest” apparences in my life, but at 36, i need him in my life. I feel that he is the missing link to so many things gone wrong in my life. I need to find him, its been about 6 years since anyone in the family has heard from him. I get scared sometimes that he is either homeless, on drugs or dead. God please let it not be either of the 3. I’ve also been dealing with the fact thaqt at 36 i’m not where I thought I would be. While I am so very proud of certain accomplishments in my life, I feel like such a failure when it comes to others. When I think of making steps towards trying to right those wrongs or make those changes, i feel overthe top with emotion and rather sleep than deal. My sister and I have been speaking again since the beginning of the summer. i take full responsibility for what happened between us and I should have tried much sooner to right that wrong, but we are in each other’s lifes now and that’s all that matters. I has sent her a few cards over the time that we did not speak saying sorry, but i have never said those words to her face and I think in order to lay it all to rest and to be able to move on, I need to just say those words to her. I am currently “seeing” someone that I have known for 13 years. It’s been a weird road and at times i’ve questioned his commitment to whatever it is that we are doing. I do realize that most of those questions come from past hurt and that I need to just deal with this situation one day at a time. whew…that’s a hard one when patience is not something that you’re used to having. Man on man…there is just so much that i need to get off of my cheast. I guess I’ll be back more often until the healing process is complete, but is it ever? I guess it’s just one day at a time, a new job, the offspring will finally figure out that its her life and the other peices of the puzzle will come together as they should. whoooosaaaaa *pulling my ear lobes*
Liars
When did it become necessary to lie every single time one opened their mouth? When and why? I just don’t get it, why is telling the truth no longer in style? I mean a little white lie here and there is not that bad, but an outright, straight faced lie? Why? I just can’t deal with the unnecessary bullshit anymore…please just turn on your shotta heels, walk away and never think of me again. My life was an ok place without you and will continue to be just that without you.
WOW
It has been said, first time it’s YOUR bad, second time, it’s MY bad…but guess what…there will NOT be a third time. You fucked up, BIG time…beat your fucking feet, kick rocks. Not even man enough to to admit when you fucked up…again.
Forget I exsist, loose my number…
I’m not afraid of…
Lions and tigers and bears…but I’m afraid of loving you. My cuzzo wrote that somewhere and I could never figure out where she got it from but this weekend I saw the Jazmine Sullivan video and all of the pieces of the puzzle came to me (yeah yeah cuzzo, I know I’m slow). After being hurt more times than I can count and being disappointed just as many times and going through some mess recently with an old friend; have come to the decision that while I AM afraid of lions and tigers and bears…I AM also afraid of loving…again.
Its a brand new day
Someone once said “what does not kill you hurts like fuck” and that person was not half wrong. This weekend was truly a testament to that, but I also know that “what does not kill you makes you stronger” and when I woke up this Monday morning, I felt just that, stronger. People, on the outside looking in, always have an opinion to form as to why a person does what they do without having all of the facts and this is why I am taking the time to thank the few people in my life, that love me for me, no judgements, no questions asked:
Cuzzo – FBI agent 1094 – Mom – Mini Me – and some friends that I will not mention, but they know who they are.
They understand that I am me, I don’t always say the most politically correct things, nor do I always act in the most mature manner, no do I always “do the right thing” but guess what? I have a big heart (to a fault at times) and when I care about someone, I care deeply. I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be, I can admit my mistakes, dust my shoulder off and keep it move. But hey, such is life “you either love me or leave me alone”.
Boy I can’t wait till spring to put on a cute dress, some heels and sashay my booty somewhere…lol
Let’s see
Not in a good mood, have not been for a few days. Folks just coming around and tryna mess up ish around you. But guess what? It’s only temporary, if you know me, you know that i’m a strong woman, that i’m no stranger to adversity. I’ve been through some ish in this life and though it might have held me down longer than I would have hoped, I always rise…always…so, though this might have me half way down (nope not all the way, it’s just NOT that serious) as always, I will rise. You know what they say…what does not kill you makes you STRONGER
Two Red Envelopes
“What goes around comes around”
“U think u kno but u don’t kno everything”
Yeah I got that first Red Envelope, what was really your point again? I know what I need to know, nothing more beyond that.
Girl; It happened to me could to you years from now just leave well enough alone not independant enough to find your own? tsk tsk tsk
Yeah, I got the seecond Red Envelope, and again I ask what is your point? He is fully aware of both Red Envelopes and their contents. Both which have been brought to the men in Blue.
When you have home issues, keep them there…HOME. Baby girl, you might have felt the need to get all CSI and send out these two Red Envelopes, and have lots of opinions of me and this situation. Just remember, I was not there when you took your vows, that was just the two of you, you and him. Remember that. Keep your side of the story, there is history of which you have no idea, therefore making the need to your side of the story totally unecessary to me.
You might have thrown a stick in the road, two steps were taken back, but history likes this just does not go away. Two Red Envelopes, does not make it go away. Handle YOUR business with YOUR partner and get rid of the remainder of your box of Red Envelopes – next time, don’t your office postage meter when sending out your CSI work, the numbers can and will be traced by the men in blue.
Think long and hard…I am not the first, nor will I be the last, do you plan on sending Two Red Envelopes to all other guilty parties as well? That could take years.
Somethings pull apart and get back together, somethings are broken and never get back together, you figure out which one you are.
Before you go, read this http://www.clevervixen.org/2009/02/26/and-i-question-myself-againwhat-is-it-bout-men/
January 2009
It’s been a while since i’ve blogged, so let me catch you up. 1/15 I left a job of a year and 3 months. While I’ll miss some of the folks, it was a sinking ship and I needed to get off as I can not swim. I went to Vegas for 5 days…good Lord that was the place to be and I can not WAIT to go back. I met DMC (of Run DMC) at the airport, he was such a cool guy. I also met Harvy from Celebrity Fit Club, also a pretty cool kat, lord knows if that dude was my personal trainer, I would be in the best shape ever!!! I came back from nice warm Vegas to start a new job. Well it’s only been a week but so far so good. One boss (a guy) moves around like he’s on speed all day, he’s shorter than me, but does not appear to suffer from short man’s syndrome…lol…My other boss (a female) well I can not figure her out yet…I guess time will tell. I have to admit that for a single gal like myself, there is lots of eye candy…lol…
Hung out with the Cuzzo today, wow, I don’t think we’ve hung out since Miami, but as usual we fell back in to place like it was just yesterday. We saw Notorios, it was a pretty decent movie, though whoever that actor was that they choose to play Tupac, was a hot mess. For the life of me I can’t figure out why they could not find someone with a bit more resemblance. I mean we know that know Puffy is known for his crazy dancing, but they had him dancing throughout the movie like a damn baffoun.
My prayers have been answered in that my very good friend’s affairs seem to have fallen into place, this is the best and sweetest person that I know, someone who’s had my back for close to 15 years now and the thought of all of the craziness that the person was surrounded by was truly unfair. Now there is another gloomy situation out there to deal with, but i’ll continue to pray that “this too shall pass”. Friends for life!
Mini me, is just, that mini me…she’s is a teen and doing what teens do, I just need to keep her in my nightly prayers.
Ok, that’s it for now…you’ve been updated…lol
Smooches
